I don’t know what people have heard, but last month my wife Mary was diagnosed with another brain tumor. After 19 years of being tumor free, a new one has grown.
The last time, everything happened so fast. She had some headaches, then she passed out on me. 2 days later, she was being wheeled into the OR. It happened so fast, I didn’t have time to think at all.
This time, we knew about it sooner. Of course, this increases the chance of her surviving it a lot. But its also given me time to dwell on it. To think about it.
I haven’t been sleeping much these last few weeks. My mind has been going a mile a minute. Its all I can think about anymore. I’ve lost 45 pounds since I found out. That’s not a bad thing, but it is when you’re not dieting.
This morning, about an hour and a half ago, I lost it. I was taking a shower, and I started thinking about losing her. And I just lost it. I started crying. When I was able to compose myself, I was curled up on the floor of the shower in a fetal position, being blasted with cold water. I’m still freezing from it. But all I could think about was losing her.
I can’t lose her. She is what I live for. I think I understand now how my Grandma felt when Poppy passed away suddenly. I remember hearing her say “I’ll see you soon, Howard.” I didn’t think anything of it at the time, as I was wrapped up in my own grief. 17 days later, exactly 21 days after Poppy, she passed away. She couldn’t live without him. They were married for 52 years.
I know if I say something like that, one of you will make a call to the police and lock me up on a suicide watch. I know one of you will because you all care about me. and I greatly appreciate that. But I understand finally how Grandma felt. Because I don’t think I can live without Mary. I can already feel the cracks in my heart, and we don’t even know what will happen yet.
Sorry, having some trouble seeing the screen right now. My eyes are watering up again. I can’t stop thinking about this.
